My Fair Palin- A Musical Fantasia- Part One

As I've followed the current presidential race and occasionally posted my thoughts here, the responses I've been receiving have been- well, negligible, to be honest. I'm confident only that two people are actually reading this blog- and one of them is my sister.

That said, there are clearly people who at least are aware of the fact I've been opining on the election, (even if they're not reading what I have to write), because more than one has expressed surprise that I'd have the nerve. After all, who the heck do I think I am? I'm just a guy who hangs out at piano bars and goes to the theater (when he can afford it).

And then it hit me- I am eminently qualified to write about this years campaigns precisely BECAUSE of my love of musical theater. The ups and downs of this election season have been nothing if not theatrical. So, I got to thinking- what exactly would the McCain Campaign look like if it were staged with music? What would the "arc" be? With apologies to Lerner, and Lowe, this is what I came up with. (I was once told that every household has at least one copy of the cast album of the musical I'm about to lovingly rip-off, so if you can't follow along without it go put it on the record player. What, people don't have those anymore? I'm screwed.)

MY FAIR PALIN: A MUSICAL FANTASIA
ACT 1, SCENE 1:

McCain Campaign Headquarters.

AT RISE: We see JOHN MCCAIN and STEVE SCHMIDT (McCain’s top advisor) sitting on a sofa watching BARACK OBAMA’S latest speech on CNN.

SCHMIDT: I’m telling you boss, we have this in the bag!

MCCAIN: Really? He seems so eloquent!

SCHMIDT: That’s exactly it! America doesn’t like eloquent! Why do you think Dubya was elected twice?

WHY CAN’T THE DEMS

(to the tune of “Why Can’t the English?”)

SCHMIDT: (Sung)
Look at him, a prisoner of his party!
Insisting that it’s good to be a smarty!
By rights he should be taken out and decked,
For insisting on showing off his intellect!

OBAMA VO: (Spoken)

“Nuance.”

SCHMIDT: (Spoken)
“Nuance!
Heavens, what a word! (He sings)
This is why those Democratic asses,
Never can appeal to all the masses!

MCCAIN (Spoken):
Come on, I don’t think that’s the only reason!

SCHMIDT (Spoken):
Isn’t it? (He sings)

Hear him talk about PA,
It will take your breath away!
Saying that it clings to guns and God.
“Obama,” says the NRA,

“Wants to take your guns away!”
That’s how we’ll convince them he’s a fraud!

Hear that Hillary- or worse
Hear a Kennedy converse!
It distances them all right off the bat!
All of them keep their words straight

And make sure they enunciate!

I ask you, John, who wants to vote for that?

It's “nuance” and “smarts” that keep them from their prize

Not our dirty tricks and filthy lies!

Why can’t the Dems teach all their members how to speak?
They have to know their manner is far too slick and sleek!
If you sound like Al Gore does instead of the way Bush sounds
The rural voters throw you to the hounds!

MCCAIN: (spoken)
Seriously?

SCHMIDT:

A Democrat’s way of speaking almost always is defeatist!
The moment he talks he gives us all the chance to shout “elitist!”

Use proper English and they’ll think something’s amiss!

Oh, why can't the Dem’crats learn to

MISpronounce words like “nuke-you-ler” so they hurt a person’s ears?

If you say “ain’t” you’ll hear the voters' cheers!

Words that end “I-N-G?” Make certain the “g” sound disappears!

George Dubya hasn’t used one in years!

Why can’t the Dems teach all their members how to speak?
Looking educated simply makes them all look weak!

If you use proper English you're regarded as a freak!

Oh why can’t the Dem’crats?

Why can’t the Dem’crats

Learn To Speak?

SCENE 1A:

MCCAIN: You have a point. We’re really going to have to choose a running-mate who doesn’t seem too slick, too elitist. So that rules out Romney. How about Lieberman?

SCHMIDT: Lieberman’s a Jew! They’re ALL elitist!

MCCAIN: Oh, right. But who?

SCHMIDT: I’m glad you asked. Let me introduce you to Governor Sarah Palin!

(SARAH PALIN, an attractive woman with bangs and glasses pops up from behind the sofa, momentarily startling MCCAIN.)

PALIN: Ta-dahh!

WOULDN’T I BE MAVERICKY?

(To the tune of “Wouldn’t It Be Loverly)

PALIN: (singing)

I’m feeling bored today I think I’ll shoot a caribou!

SCHMIDT: (humming)

Mmmmmm.

PALIN:
If I’m allowed I think I’ll also ban a book or two.

SCHMIDT:

Mmmmmmm.

PALIN:

When I make policy I just ask what would Jesus do!

SCHMIDT:

Mmmm, Mmmm- Wouldn't she be mavericky?

PALIN:
All I want is a VP spot,
I’m exactly what Biden’s not!

And don’t you think I’m hot?

Oh wouldn't I be mavericky?

Lots of oil in Alaska state

Bible-thumpers will think I’m great!

Make me your running mate!

Oh wouldn’t I be mavericky?

Oh, so mavericky I’ll win over women who liked Hill.
I will really shake things up
When I try to ban the Pill!

I fought off that Bridge to Nowhere

Sure I did! Really- no, I swear!

But you don’t even care

‘Cause wouldn’t I be mavericky?

MCCAIN:

Mavericky?

SCHMIDT:

Mavericky!

PALIN:

Mavericky!

ALL:
Mavericky.

SCENE 2

MCCAIN and SCHMIDT sit on the sofa DSL while PALIN stands USR The two men are prepping PALIN as she pretends to field reporters’ questions.

SCHMIDT (speaking into his pen as if it were a microphone): But Sarah, what do you say to the people who claim your husband was a member of a revolutionary political party that supports the idea of Alaska seceding from the United States? Do you associate with terrorists?

PALIN: Oh, well I don’t know ‘bout that sorta thing, but I’ll tell you who associates with terrorists! Barack Obama, that’s who! Why, he’s friends with someone who by his own admittance wanted to bring down the country! You betcha!

SCHMIDT: Brilliant answer!

MCCAIN: I don’t know- I feel like we should have asked Sarah some of these questions BEFORE we announced her as my running mate! I mean, how’s she going to deal with all these skeletons in her closet?

SCHMIDT: Easy, John- she’s hot! Nobody’s gonna attack a hot woman! All she needs is a little bit of pluck! Watch this! Sarah, some people are saying that you lied when you said you were against the Bridge To Nowhere- how do you respond?

WITH A LITTLE BIT OF PLUCK

(To the tune of "With A Little Bit of Luck")

PALIN: (singing)

The Congress gave me four hundred-some million

To build a bridge that I wanted to build
The Congress gave me four hundred-some million,

But

With a little bit of pluck, with a little bit of pluck

I’ll claim I’m the one who got it killed!

With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of pluck I got it killed!

SCHMIDT: (spoken)

What about the charges against your office back home in Alaska?

PALIN:

Alaska brought an ethics charge against me
On my abuse of power they’re fixated

Alaska brought an ethics charge against me

But
With a little bit of pluck, with a little bit of pluck,
I’ll pretend that I was vindicated!

With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of pluck it was negated!

Oh, I could tell the honest story
But with a little bit of pluck the charge I’ll duck!

I asked a librarian how I ban books

If I don’t like the messages they share.

I asked a librarian how to ban books-

But
With a little bit of pluck, With a little bit of pluck,
(winking)

I’ll just point out that they’re all still there!

With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of pluck I’ll say I’m fair!
With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of lies and pluck!

MCCAIN: (spoken)

But what about your daughter’s…condition?

PALIN:

I am opposed to real sex education

But Bristol’s pregnancy I must report

I am opposed to real sex education

But
With a little bit of pluck, With a little bit of pluck,
I’ll just say

I’m proud she won’t abort!

With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of luck, she won’t abort!

Sure I may be a big hypocrite
But with a little bit of pluck I’ll dodge the muck!

Oh sure it’s true, my husband wants to secede

And he belongs to radical fringe groups.
Oh ya, it’s true, my husband wants to secede

But
With a little bit of pluck, With a little bit of pluck,
I’ll just wink and make the press my dupes!

(winks)

With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of pluck the press won’t swoop!

With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of lies and pluck!

MCCAIN AND SALTER:
She doesn’t have a single explanation
For all the scandals that she’s in knee-deep!
And what she lacks is one qualification!

But
With a little bit of pluck, With a little bit of pluck,
Dumb Americans will make her Veep!

With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of pluck, they’ll make her Veep!
With a little bit...with a little bit...
With a little bit of lies and pluck!

SCENE 3

A McCain/Palin Rally.

PALIN stands DS as she addresses an unseen crowd.

PALIN:

I’m just so glad to see you all here in what I like to call the ‘real America.” You all have real American values! Not like those people in fake America where they’re all latte-sippin’ elitists! They all think they’re better than you because they had a pair of towers! After all,

I’M A REAL AMERICAN

(To the tune of “I’m An Ordinary Man.”)

PALIN: (sings)

You’re all real Americans,
Who desire nothing more than for our country to stand tall,
And to protect it from the terrorists who wanna see it fall!

You’re real Americans, who like to sit in pews!

Who want us all to be

Completely free

(Unless, of course, you don’t share all our views.)

You’re all real Americans!

But

Let Obama win this race-

And don’cha know, there will be sobs!
He is not like you or I

And our freedoms all will die

When he gives that guy Bill Ayers and his terr'ist slayers jobs!

Let Obama win this race-

And all our liberty he’ll steal!
Can’t you tell the way he talks

And that cocky way he walks

Is elitist! The effete-ist! So we cannot let him beat us- HE’S NOT REAL!

You want to go and do some hunting?
Well, he’ll just take your guns away!
And you can forget goin’ to church-

When he makes it a crime to pray!

Don’t let Obama win this race!

‘Cause that would be a real disgrace!

I can guarantee, you betcha

That the terrorists will getcha

And I know it’s what your thinkin’-

That’s the reason that I’m winkin’!

We can never let Obama win this race!

(PALIN basks in the applause of her supporters and barely flinches when, OS, someone shouts, “Kill him!”)

SCENE 4

McCain/Palin Campaign Headquarters.

MCCAIN stands SL with SCHMIDT. Despite PALIN’S apparent triumph in the previous scene he looks agitated. PALIN sits on the sofa, looking lost and confused.

MCCAIN: I know she’s playing well to the base, but as soon as she goes off message she’s a disaster! How can we let her make this trip to New York?

SCHMIDT: Don’t worry- she’s gonna pose for some pictures and look Vice Presidential. That’s it! We’ve lined up Kissinger and a real top-drawer list of diplomats. All anyone is going to see is poise! I promise!

MCCAIN: You’d better make sure of it! So far she isn’t working out the way you promised!

DON’T LET HER SPEAK TO THE PRESS

(To the tune of "Get Me To The Church On Time")

MCCAIN: (sings)

She’s meeting Henry in the morning!

What they’ll discuss I cannot guess!

Our Iraq missions?

Talk preconditions?

Just don’t let her speak to the press!

She’ll be in New York in the morning!

Make sure she’s wearing a tight dress!

Don’t let her take questions!
That’s my one suggestion!

Please, don’t let her speak to the press!

If they have cameras

Go let ‘em shoot

But if they take notes,

Give ‘em all the boot!

She’s meeting Karzai in the morning!

And this is one thing I must stress!

She’s good at winking!

But not great at thinking!

Don’t you let her speak

Please just don’t let her speak

For God’s sake, don’t let her speak to the press!

SCENE 5

The Vice Presidential debate.

JOE BIDEN, a man with a comb-over and an easy-going smile, stands USL with an unnamed advisor. BIDEN looks confident as his adviser frets. SARAH PALIN stands USR with JOE SCHMIDT. DSL and DSR are two podiums.

ADVISOR: Just remember, Joe- watch the verbal diarrhea! We don’t want any gaffes and we don’t want you to look boring! And be respectful!

BIDEN: Don’t sweat it! For once I’m not the one who has to worry! (He sings)

AT THE V.P. DEBATE

(To the tune of "On The Street Where You Live")

BIDEN: (singing)
I have often talked like a blowhard bore;
But I’ve never met somebody whose skills were so poor!
All at once am I several stories high

Knowing Palin’s the one I‘ll debate!

Did she really hunt from a flying plane?
Can she see Vladimir Putin through her windowpane?

Did she know McCain and Bush share a brain?
I’m so glad Palin’s who I’ll debate!

And oh! I’ll take her to task, too
‘Cause I know she won’t have a plan!
(Stage whispering to SR)

Just hope, they don't ever ask you
Who commands our forces in Afghanistan!

(Singing)

People mock my hair- they don't bother me.
For I’m sure that I will kick her ass on live TV!
Let the time go by, I won't care if I
Make her look bad at the Veep debate!

(The two candidates cross DS, shake hands, and then walk to their podia, while their aides remain USL and USR in the wings. A strobe light turns on and shows BIDEN’S face grow more and more confident as PALIN begins to look like a caribou caught in headlights. After a minute of pantomime, the two shake hands again and walk off USL and USR respectively. SCHMIDT is left standing, alone, USR. Tight spotlight on SCHMIDT as he slowly puts his head in his hands.)

INTERMISSION

© 2008, Christopher Stansfield. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed to the public under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License, and may only be distributed according to the terms of said license. To view a copy of this license, please click here.

What Colin Powell's Endorsement "Means"

As has been predicted for several days, the former Secretary of State, Ret. Gen. Colin Powell, announced on today's Meet the Press that he will be voting for Sen. Barack Obama in this year's presidential election. Powell, who has been repeatedly and lavishly praised by Obama's opponent, Sen. John McCain, over the last eight years, claimed to be "disappointed" with both McCain's campaign tactics and his choice of running-mate (Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin). He cited Obama as a "transformational" candidate.

So, what, exactly, does this mean for the candidates' campaigns? Pundits on the left(ish) side of the political spectrum are predictably enthusiastic about this turn of events- Powell has always been perceived by many as a statesman-like figure whose military and foreign policy background are unassailable. More importantly, he is a Republican who served Pres. G.W. Bush, and thus his endorsement appears to be another piece of evidence supporting the idea that the Republican "brand" is so damaged that its own followers are "seeing the light." Expressions like "the final nail in McCain's coffin" have been used by some with glee. There's no question that this is not a good thing for McCain.

This particular image of Powell, however, is not necessarily an accurate one- people with short memories on the Left might want to remind themselves of Powell's complicity, even cowardice, in promoting the Bush administration's Iraq War. If Powell's own dishonesty in endorsing that war isn't directly responsible for the thousands of American and Iraqi lives (and billions of taxpayer dollars) that have been unnecessarily lost in the last several years, then it is certainly a major factor. It is valid to ask why Obama supporters should even be PROUD of this endorsement- and to wonder why Powell is considered "credible" in a way that other Bush administration figures are not. Most people learn at a very early age that it helps to be popular with the big men on campus, but that popularity doesn't always speak well of us or our goals. Would we be this excited if the endorsement had come from Donald Rumsfeld? How would that endorsement be any different, really?

The fact is, Powell's endorsement doesn't actually "mean" much- at least not to Obama supporters. It is important to keep in mind that Obama already had a clear lead in both polls and in the Electoral College tally that various news and punditry organizations maintain. If one looked at the CNN map last night, things already seemed pretty dire for the McCain camp.

If we take as a given the "solid" Democratic and Republican states in the current map, and also assume that the current analysis of which states are "leaning" one way or another is accurate (we should do neither, of course- the election is not won or lost, yet, and complacency can ONLY be a bad thing), then the current conventional wisdom is that there are only six states that can not already be "called" for one candidate or another. In order to capture the 270 electoral votes he would need to win or tie, McCain would need to win ALL SIX of those states, AND, in the next two weeks, change the minds of at least one and possibly two of the states that are currently considered "blue" or "blue-leaning." Obama needs (according to CNN) only to "hang in" for the next two weeks to capture the presidency. Considering the financial and logistical resources it will take to vigorously campaign in that many states- resources the McCain campaign does not have- McCain's chances look slim. This is a fact that McCain himself has already acknowledged, saying that "Obama is already measuring the drapes" for the White House. As usual, McCain's attempt to be snide (he would say "funny") backfires- as with most of McCain's quips, his sarcasm instead reveals McCain's own inner mind- even HE doesn't really think he can win at this point.

So really, a Powell endorsement of Obama only "hurts" the McCain campaign in the same way that a pin-up girl painted on the Enola Gay would have "hurt" Hiroshima- it's not the injury- it's the insult.

However, Powell's endorsement may still have MEANING, even if it doesn't actually affect things much- and that meaning will come from the inevitable reaction of those on the Right whose egos are assuredly bruised by this endorsement. It will become very interesting to parse the words of prominent McCain officials and supporters in the next few days, because they will undoubtedly reveal a great deal about the Republican mind. I predict three separate reactions. The first two are easy to guess, if we look at what happened to Scott McLellan, Richard Clarke, and Anthony Zinni, among other former Bush administration staffers who have since criticized their former employers. The somewhat more politic among Republican die-hards will sadly shrug and shake their heads (or provide a written equivalent) and claim that Powell is "out-of-touch," "misinformed," or "deluded." The more bellicose (severe blond women with prominent adam's apples and Fox News blowhards among them) will have no qualms about calling Powell a "traitor" or otherwise impugning his motives (perhaps suggesting that he's "auditioning for a spot in the next administration," as they did of Clarke.) They will do this despite eight years of statements praising Powell and treating him as a Republican hero, and they will do it without irony, because they are convinced that Americans can only remember back as far as last week.

The third, and most pernicious, response will be overtly stated by only a few, but "subtly" alluded to by many more. Those people will point out a fact about Powell that is obvious on the surface- he is a black man. Then, they will remind people that the presidential candidate he is supporting is a black man, too (or at least not white- concepts like mixed-race backgrounds tend to be a bit 'nuanced" for a lot of people). And they will go on to say that Powell's endorsement doesn't matter because, after all, that one commonality is the only reason he is endorsing Obama. Powell's previous political convictions will have little bearing on their statements of "fact." After all, to many, black people who support the Republican party, like Powell, Clarence Thomas, and Condoleezza Rice, tend to be regarded as independent thinkers only as long as they stay "in house" and parrot the party line. Once they cross that line they fall into the category of all those other black people who traditionally vote as Democrats- narrowly self-interested and racist.
If you think I'm being cynical (or "playing the race card") you can be excused and forgiven- but only if you haven't been paying attention to what's been going on around the country in the last several months. Obama's campaign has been an eye-opener in that it has shown just how far America has come with regards to civil rights- in the grand scheme of things, forty years from Jim Crow to a possible black president is astounding, and something the country should be proud of. It has also shown how much farther many people still have to go. One needn't even argue that references to Obama as being "different from us," and as "having different values" are subtly racist when we have plenty of examples of good, old-fashioned, OVERT racism to choose from in the last several weeks- from the mock-up Food Stamps picturing a watermelon-eating Obama to videos of people making statements like "I'm afraid the blacks will take over." In an environment like that, do I think Powell's endorsement will believed by many people to be reflective only of his racial interests rather than by any reasoned understanding of his policy goals? Of course I do.

In order to see what Powell's endorsement "means," we are going to have to watch and see what it "means" about Republicans, because it, frankly, means little for Democrats. I am curious to see how accurate my predictions are, and intend to post with a follow-up in the next few days. I'm feeling pretty confident, having predicted to my friends and family both the references to "Joe the Plumber" and the use of the phrase "class warfare" in the last debate. But don't confuse "confident," with "happy." That will only come if, in two weeks, CNN's electoral map proves to be prescient.

© 2008, Christopher Stansfield. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed to the public under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License, and may only be distributed according to the terms of said license. To view a copy of this license, please click here.

Why is Joe the Plumber Doing So Much Better Than Other Plumbers?

The star of the last night's third (and, mercifully, last) presidential debate was neither Barack Obama nor John McCain (nor even Bob Schieffer, who somehow managed to look fair and dignified even while allowing Sen. McCain to interrupt Sen. Obama 15 times, and even while letting Sen. McCain get the last word on 7 out of nine topics). No, the star of the show was "Joe the Plumber," an ostensibly "undecided" voter who questioned Obama about his tax policy while the latter was campaigning in Ohio last Sunday. "Joe," (real name: Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher) was concerned about how Obama's tax plan, which proposes tax increases on people and small business netting over $250,000 a year, would affect his chance to buy the plumbing company he's been working for for several years. You can see Obama's response on YouTube here. McCain brought up "Joe's" sorry plight, and forced Obama to confront "Joe" directly. All in all, Joe the Plumber was mentioned a total of 26 times, according to the CBS News transcript. There's just one little odd thing about Joe....

From the Bureau of Labor Statistics "Occupational Outlook Handbook":

"Pipelayers, plumbers, pipefitters, and steamfitters are among the highest paid construction occupations....in May 2004, median hourly earnings of plumbers, pipefitters, and steamfitters were $19.85. The middle 50 percent earned between $15.01 and $26.67. The lowest 10 percent earned less than $11.62, and the highest 10 percent earned more than $33.72. "

If, as Joe claims, he is working 10-12 hour days, and he is earning the "top" $33.72 an hour (hell, I'll round it to $34), EVEN PRESUMING HE WORKS WEEKENDS AND HOLIDAYS AND NEVER GETS SICK OR TAKES A VACATION, that comes out to....LESS THAN $150,000 A YEAR.

You're going to point out that those number are from 2004- so I ask whether it seems likely that in four years the average earnings of plumbers has gone up 66%- which is what would need to happen to bring Joe the Plumber up over Obama's threshold. Well, does it?

So, this means one of the following:
1. Joe REALLY overcharges.
2. Joe lays more pipe weekly than JFK and Clinton did in their entire adult lives.
3. Joe is a good plumber, but really, really, bad at math.
or,
4. "Joe the Plumber" is a McCain plant deliberately inserted into the campaign in order to stir up untruths about Obama's tax proposals.

I think you all know where I'm personally leaning on this one.

UPDATE: he following facts are now known about "Joe the Plumber":

FACT- Joe does NOT, in fact, make $250,000 a year, or anywhere near it. He admitted that in an interview with Katie Couric.

FACT- Joe was NOT "undecided." In that same interview, he claims "not to have been swayed by the debate" AND that he pretty much knew who he was voting for. That adds up to his having been 'decided" AT LEAST before the debate.

FACT- Joe is a registered Republican.

FACT- "Joe the Plumber" (Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher) is believed to be closely related to ROBERT Wurzelbacher, a prominent Republican donor, and- get this- the son-in-law of CHARLES KEATING, JR and Vice President of the parent company of the S&L that started the whole scandal.

FACT: Joe the Plumber (who moves around a heck of a lot) shouldn't really worry about tax increases, because he apparently doesn't bother to pay his taxes anyway.

FACT: Joe the Plumber ISN"T EVEN REALLY A PLUMBER. At least, not a legal one.

© 2008, Christopher Stansfield. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed to the public under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License, and may only be distributed according to the terms of said license. To view a copy of this license, please click here.

McCain Wins Debate Before It Occurs- Rest Of Us Thrilled We Don't Have to Watch It

From today's online Washington Post:
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/thefix/2008/09/mccain_wins_debate.html

Now, I understand that these ads generally HAVE to be designed and distributed before the debate in order to launch them as soon after the debate as possible, and that no matter what happens, both sides are going to declare themselves the winner. (When was the last time anyone left a political debate saying, "Well, you know, I kind of sucked. Gotta bring the A Game next time...") I have no doubt that the Obama camp has already created an ad that praises his own performance.

However, this particular instance seems to prove two things:
1. The McCain campaign is incompetent- how could they not make sure that this wasn't released early?
2. John McCain never had any intention of skipping the debate, as many of us had already figured out.

Of the two points, (1) is the minor one- after all, the only people who haven't noticed how off-the-rails the McCain campaign has gone are the "true believers" who will wrap their minds around six or seven contradictory concepts just so that they don't have to face the reality of what they're voting for. And believe me, that isn't a swipe at Republicans- plenty of them have been quoted in recent times making statements that all pretty much add up to "OMG, WTF" in teenager-speak.

No, what is truly appalling is point (2), proof that the McCain campaign will do anything- ANYTHING- to get ahead, including cynically manipulating the worst financial crisis in America in decades to engage in cheap political theater. McCain's choice to "suspend" his campaign for several days (something which did not ever actually happen according to volunteers across the country on the local level and MARK SALTER HIMSELF, (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/25/mccain-campaign-still-act_n_129327.html and http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/26/unsuspended-mccain-aide-c_n_129680.html)) was a good distraction from the disastrous interviews he and Palin have been giving- when, of course, they ever let the media talk to them.

Far more importantly, it is clear that his little roadshow production of "Mr. McCain Goes To Washington" had the effect of doing actual harm to the bipartisan effort to get a bailout bill passed- an effort that was within hours of succeeding until McCain rode in on his pony to speak to John Boehner. (Side note- at this point, many people, even on the left, may be thrilled- after all, nobody with any sense of morality or intelligence really wants to start doling this kind of corporate welfare out, especially in the form of the bill that was originally presented. But it's going to happen one way or another, and Democrats were on track to making it happen the right way- with oversight, possible equity, and concessions for the non-rich people who have been affected. Now, who knows?)

I don't think its much of a leap to suggest that McCain's help in stalling things was as calculated as everything else about this campaign. After all, with a bill passed and some idea of what is going to be done about the economy, the biggest story of the next two news cycles would, of course, be the debate and the aftermath (the swell time when both campaigns declare "victory" (usually after the debate has actually happened) and everyone else starts pointing out the lies and half-truths that were spat out). Now we enter the debate with an America that is as confused and in flux as before- and the media can keep up the business of discussing this economic disaster and what anyone is doing about it rather than focusing on the utter bankruptcy of McCain's "ideas."

The one bright spot to all of this is that, knowing McCain has already "won," I may just go out and do something more entertaining than screaming at my television for an hour tonight. After all, the McCain camp has yet to let reality actually enter in to their plans up until this point- it would be naive to think it will now.

© 2008, Christopher Stansfield. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed to the public under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License, and may only be distributed according to the terms of said license. To view a copy of this license, please click here.

The GOP Throws a Tantrum: Gen. Petraeus is Rubber- MoveOn.org is Glue!

Today Arianna Huffington has weighed in on the latest Iraq "controversy" that has the GOP up in arms. No, silly, it's not the fact that our non-military contract mercenaries are causing more trouble in Iraq (or the fact that the Iraqi government apparently doesn't have the authority to do anything about it)! It's the fact that MoveOn.org called Gen. Petraeus names! Is there nothing those insidious lefties won't do? This is just going too far! Next thing you know, MoveOn will be getting 4,000 US soldiers and countless more Iraqi civilians killed in a war for oil and corporate profiteering!

We all know how sensitive military men (and the rapidly-fading politicians who hide behind them) can get. If MoveOn.org continues being so mean, the GOP may threaten to take its ball and go tell Mommy. But that's okay- we still get to say, "Liar, liar, pants on fire!" to Bush, Petraeus, and everyone who tries to hide behind cherry-picked data and political smokescreens.
Read Huffington's column here.

© 2008, Christopher Stansfield. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed to the public under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License, and may only be distributed according to the terms of said license. To view a copy of this license, please click here.

Naomi Wolf's "Ten Steps to Fascism"

When I started posting on this blog, I made it clear that I was going to use it as an archive of my fully-formed writing rather than as a "traditional" blog, with a lot of links and a few pithy, first-draft comments scattered about. Even so, a piece of writing occasionally comes along that says everything I'd like to better and more coherently than I ever could do. So, for once, this is going to be that "traditional blog." Here's an excerpt of Naomi Wolf's masterly analysis of the last seven years. I hope you'll click the link to read the rest:

"Last autumn, there was a military coup in Thailand. The leaders of the coup took a number of steps, rather systematically, as if they had a shopping list. In a sense, they did. Within a matter of days, democracy had been closed down: the coup leaders declared martial law, sent armed soldiers into residential areas, took over radio and TV stations, issued restrictions on the press, tightened some limits on travel, and took certain activists into custody.

They were not figuring these things out as they went along. If you look at history, you can see that there is essentially a blueprint for turning an open society into a dictatorship. That blueprint has been used again and again in more and less bloody, more and less terrifying ways. But it is always effective. It is very difficult and arduous to create and sustain a democracy - but history shows that closing one down is much simpler. You simply have to be willing to take the 10 steps.

As difficult as this is to contemplate, it is clear, if you are willing to look, that each of these 10 steps has already been initiated today in the United States by the Bush administration.

Because Americans like me were born in freedom, we have a hard time even considering that it is possible for us to become as unfree - domestically - as many other nations. Because we no longer learn much about our rights or our system of government - the task of being aware of the constitution has been outsourced from citizens' ownership to being the domain of professionals such as lawyers and professors - we scarcely recognise the checks and balances that the founders put in place, even as they are being systematically dismantled. Because we don't learn much about European history, the setting up of a department of "homeland" security - remember who else was keen on the word "homeland" - didn't raise the alarm bells it might have.

It is my argument that, beneath our very noses, George Bush and his administration are using time-tested tactics to close down an open society. It is time for us to be willing to think the unthinkable - as the author and political journalist Joe Conason, has put it, that it can happen here. And that we are further along than we realise.

Conason eloquently warned of the danger of American authoritarianism. I am arguing that we need also to look at the lessons of European and other kinds of fascism to understand the potential seriousness of the events we see unfolding in the US."

Read more about the ten steps here:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/usa/story/0,,2064157,00.html

© 2007, Christopher Stansfield. Some rights reserved. This work is licensed to the public under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License, and may only be distributed according to the terms of said license. To view a copy of this license, please click here.

Don Imus: Did The Punishment Fit the Crime?

(This entry was adapted from a letter sent to the television show Countdown With Keith Olbermann while the controversy was still at the top of the news cycle. It has been altered so as to be more meaningful to a general audience.)

As I write this, it is the end of a week during which the Don Imus controversy has been the focal point of every television news and opinion show on the air, not to mention countless magazines, newspapers and blogs. Now that the man has been fired and the proverbial pound of flesh has been shaved off the corpse of his career, I wonder whether it isn’t beneath all of us to keep this story going. In fact, continuing to attack Imus is both petty and unfair. If Don Imus’s statements are now to be considered the pinnacle of racism, a huge segment of our population needs to start getting fitted for white sheets.

I am no fan of Don Imus- in fact, I can’t recall ever having listened to his radio show, as the whole concept of “shock” radio is unappealing to me. Like many others, I found the comments that led to his downfall abhorrent, and, after learning of some of the other things he has said throughout his career, I have no doubt that the man is a bigot. It is right and just that Mr. Imus should have to take responsibility for his statements, and it is right and just that there be consequences for those statements. That said, shouldn’t punishment at all times be appropriate to the crime at hand? Shouldn’t they be appropriately timed? While it is clear that Don Imus has engaged in a pattern of racially and sexually insensitive remarks, and that there has been outrage from the public on those occasions, it is not at all clear that Imus was ever officially warned by his employers, MSNBC and CBS Radio, that he would lose his job if he didn’t stop making such remarks. Without a warning, why on Earth wouldn’t Imus feel he could just go on as he had for years? It was apparent that few cared, and that the few who did didn’t represent a loss of income for the man or his employers. It is perfectly reasonably that Imus would not edit himself- nobody has ever attempted to edit him.

Adults are not much different from children- if they are not given effective and concrete warnings about their behavior, they have little incentive to stop that behavior. If little Tommy kicks little Peggy in the shins, he will keep kicking her until he’s told not to. In the same vein, punishment for adults works best when it’ threatened in the same manner punishment for children is. If a child talks back to his mother, it is not right that he be sent to his room for two weeks unless he has already been warned that such is the consequence of his behavior. When a broadcaster says offensive things, it is not right that he should be fired when he has never been warned that such are the consequence of those statements.

Suspending Don Imus was a perfectly reasonable response to his remarks, and Imus should additionally have been made to promise that he would never make such remarks again, lest he lose his job. If he refused to make that promise, or broke that promise in the future, firing would be perfectly reasonable- but not until then. One might feel that that is too lenient; that any proof that one is bigoted is enough to justify taking away his livelihood and publicly raking him across the coals. Reasonable people, on the other hand, who can follow that line of thought to its inevitable conclusion, feel that actions and words may be punishable in a free society, but thoughts are not. Perhaps the man is a bigot, but it is not his bigoted mind that should be punished: it is his bigoted words. And the punishment he received for those words was unjust. It is a convenient way for his employers to look like heroes without ever admitting that they could have put an end to his behavior years ago and did so only after they received uncomfortable attention.

I am well aware, as is anyone familiar with the way broadcast media works, that broadcasters have the ability to employ a time delay when material goes out live. If Imus has a history of making these inappropriate statements, why wasn’t he forced to work with a delay? And if there was, in fact, a delay, how can MSNBC and CBS Radio pretend to have been so offended by Imus’s words when that delay was never utilized? Imus had a certain degree of power as a celebrity, but his ex-employers had the power of the paycheck, and are thus far more powerful than Don Imus ever was. Where was the admission of guilt on the part of MSNBC and CBS Radio? “Liberal media” shows such as The Daily Show and Countdown With Keith Olbermann frequently (and correctly) lambaste President Bush for throwing his subordinates “under the bus” when his misdeeds and mistakes are discovered. How is this situation any different?
I have to question the smirking condescension and mock indignation that are invariably employed by commentators in response to Imus’s own defense: that this condemnation of him is an example of rank hypocrisy. Imus was wrong to speak as he did, but he is not wrong that something stinks about the way he has been treated. The fact that the Rev. Al Sharpton was the one person who was most stridently and vocally called for Imus’s firing, no matter what apologies or promises the latter offered, underscores this hypocrisy. Sharpton is a man who, to this day, refuses to offer any apology to the many people who were hurt by his manipulation of the Tawana Brawley case, his support of the anti-Semitic orchestrators of the Million Man March (and his own well-documented history of making anti-Semitic remarks), or his own history of divisive and inflammatory behavior. How can Sharpton possibly take the moral high-ground here? Even if Imus’s apologies were disingenuous, the fact that they were offered at all still beats Sharpton’s record by a mile.

Without a doubt, the media needs to continue to explore the issue of race- and not just when high-profile white men say obnoxious and hateful things. I would hope the media could do so without employing Imus as a convenient whipping boy. The man’s career is dead- throw some dirt over it and walk away. There is real racism to fight, racism that exists in governmental policy and human actions, not just in words. There is also other news out there- news that I daresay is more important than the incoherent “humor” of a man whose entire act was based on the fact that he was angry and misanthropic.

© 2007, Christopher Stansfield, with the exception of elements owned by Blogger. Entries are licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License, and therefore may be freely copied and distributed as long as they are attributed to Christopher Stansfield and not textually altered in any way, shape, or form. To view a copy of this Creative Commons license, please click here. To learn more about Creative Commons licensing in general, or to find out how to become a Creative Commons licensor, please click here.

The Pilates Experiment

My calf hurts.

No, that's not specific enough. It's not grand enough a way of describing how my calf (actually, come to think of it, both of my calves, and also my thighs, and much of my lower back and my abs and, yes, my chest, too…and my ass) feels. My calf (along with all those other body parts) feels like it's been rung through one of those old fashioned laundry presses you see in Colonial Williamsburg or on those PBS shows where a family is force to pretend it's living in a different century (admittedly, I've never watched those shows, but I see the commercials, so I know what that sort of press looks like). It feels like the grapes must have felt like when Lucille Ball and that fat Italian woman stomped on them in that episode of I Love Lucy where everyone goes to Italy and hilarity ensues. If feels like the vein in Alberto Gonzales's head must feel like whenever the Attorney General testifies before Congress. (If I want this piece to have any relevance a few years from now I'll have to change that last line, but for now I'll leave it in.)

Why do various muscles that I never really noticed I have (and that no one else has likely ever noticed I have) feel so wrenched and twisted and pounded upon? Simple. I took a "Pilates For Beginners" class.

Taking a pilates class has long been one of those things I told myself I'd eventually get around to doing, like learning conversational French, watching all of Fellini's films, and getting hair transplants. As in most of the odd-numbered years of my life (and some of the even-numbered ones) I'm slightly out of shape- like a beanbag chair is "slightly unsupportive." And even though I grew up to a height of 5'10" in college, a perfectly acceptable average male height, I was, for much of my childhood, smaller than most everyone around me, so the idea of making myself look taller through lengthening my vertebra and improving my posture is extremely appealing. That said, I can't claim I ever went to any great lengths to fulfill my pilates ambition (if by "great lengths" one means actually looking up the times the classes were offered.) However, when an acquaintance of mine sent out a bulletin saying that he had recently become a pilates instructor and was looking for enrollees for his class, I happened to be online and happened to be slightly drunk, so I said "sure" and told him I'd be there for his first class. After all, I wouldn't only be helping myself, I reasoned. I'd be doing a good deed by playing guinea pig and giving a nice guy a boost in his career.

I wasn't at all dissuaded: not by the fact that I was told the workout would be intense; nor the fact that I was warned to make sure I had underwear on if I planned to wear shorts; nor even by the fact that the instructor has spent a large portion of his professional life dressed up in a variety of blue-colored bunny rabbit costumes and platform shoes. In fact, I was encouraged by that last bit, as I reasoned that a seven-foot tall blue rabbit was not likely to be a particularly didactic or harsh instructor. I was also encouraged by the fact that he had recently lost a great deal of weight and was thus fitting into smaller (though still blue) bunny costumes. If pilates was the way he did it, then hell, maybe I too would eventually look good in tights and long ears if I followed the same route.

I don't want anyone reading the next few paragraphs to think I was hopelessly ignorant or naïve about what I was getting into. I did have some idea of what pilates actually is. I've often heard that it's all about strengthening one's "core" (whatever that is) and paying more attention to one's body as a whole (rather than avoiding the very thought of one's body as a whole, as I've been doing for much of my adult life.) I knew a lot of dancers did it. Who doesn't want to look like a dancer? (Well, maybe not Fred "Rerun" Berry, but all of the other dancers.) And I knew there wasn't any weight lifting or running in place or sweating to the oldies involved. I thought it was vaguely like yoga or tai chi, where one stays in one place and somehow gets all the physical benefits a marathon runner gets, without the heavy breathing, blisters, and chapped nipples.

So, I was really rather excited. I was doing something proactive. I was able to swallow my fear of group exercise (correctly assuming that nobody would really be able to watch what I was doing since they would be too busy paying attention to themselves.) I knew I wouldn't be perfect right off the bat, but I was prepared to be grown up and work hard at it until I was the best damned pilates practitioner I could be.

I was, in other words, completely delusional.

Pilates hurts. I don't want to dissuade anyone from taking the classes, especially anyone who wants to take a class with a giant rabbit instructor, but pilates really, really hurts. It especially hurts if you're someone who is overweight, not especially coordinated, flat-footed, and have been walking on the balls of your feet your entire life, making your calves and hamstrings as tight as a G-string (on a musical instrument, not a stripper). I was right about the exercises largely taking place within a small user-defined area, but that doesn't really matter when you're asked to do things like lie on your back with your feet a couple of inches off the ground, your hip and shoulder bones dug into the mat, and your neck straight but off the ground. Read that last sentence again and see if you can follow what I'm saying. Now try to imagine being an overweight person who is asked to go directly from flat-on-your-back to sitting up without rolling over or using your arms for support.

The instructor, who is freakishly tall even without the platform shoes and rabbit ears, looked even taller as he loomed over me. I was right that he wasn't a harsh taskmaster. He was reassuring, positive, upbeat, and encouraging, a little like high school gym teachers are supposed to be and exactly like high school gym teachers never are. And yet, I found myself irrationally hating him every time he came to stand on my feet in an effort to help me "roll up" into position. I resented his cheer as my sweat literally dripped off of my head and on to the nice clean new gym mats that had been installed for the occasion. Every time he said to me, "I bet you never knew how tight your hamstrings are," visions of Elmer Fudd and his double-barreled shot gun popped up in my head. I wanted Bugs Bunny dead. I wanted Peter Rabbit dead. I wanted the Easter Bunny and Thumper and every other cheerful member of the order lagomorpha exterminated.

Even as I sit here, a tightly coiled bundle of pain, I can acknowledge that, in retrospect, I was being unfair. And yet, as mature and self-improving and low-pressure as the workout environment was, I simply couldn't help my feelings. I'm 15 again, standing under the ropes course at my high school, watching all the other students having fun walking on rope bridges and swinging from cables and eventually getting to use one of those neat ziplines James Bond's always hanging from- and I can't do it because my fat, weak body can't climb the rope ladder to get to the course, no matter how many times I make the attempt. In the pilates teacher's warm encouragement I see Mr. Butler, with his cheesy moustache and cleft chin, rolling his eyes and looking exasperated. I promise myself I won't give up, but as I struggle to keep from weeping with frustration I wonder why I, an adult, have to put myself through this shit.

As I relive both the events of the other day and the events of my childhood, the question of what makes an adult an adult keeps coming back to me. Throughout my childhood, I was always ahead of my peers in some ways and horribly behind them in others. I was a gifted reader and writer, had an extraordinarily retentive memory, and, according to some, I was also a pretty decent performer and public speaker. Those things came easily to me, and I was able to coast on them well into junior high school. But being able to coast in some areas can set one up for defeat in other areas, unless you have enough character and work ethic as a child to push yourself in the things you're not immediately talented at. I didn't have that character as a child. If I attempted to do something and I ended up looking foolish, I did my very best to avoid doing it ever again.

I can remember days on the beach playing catch with my father (a talented and athletic man, and, like the Blue Bunny, uncommonly patient and encouraging.) Despite the fact that he never lost his temper with me and did his best not to ever make me feel bad about my lack of hand-eye coordination, I simply couldn't stand how it felt when the ball would fly past me, or land in the sand at my feet, or, worst of all, land in my "lead hands" and bounce out again. My father would have been willing to practice with me for hours if I had asked him. I never asked him.

I never had any immediate talent in athletics, so I decided I didn't like athletics. I didn't like athletics, so I didn't ever practice them, and thus, I remained untalented. This Catch-22 not only led to me being a fairly graceless mover in my daily life- it also played a large part in the recurring struggle I've had with my weight since my pre-teen years. I resigned myself to being the last picked for every team. I resigned myself to taking "breaks" when the others were running laps. I resigned myself to standing under that rope ladder and never making it to that damn zip line. I simply resigned. And I never got any better. I told myself I didn't care. I cared. I care.

As I headed into my delayed adulthood, I resolved that I was going to be a better adult than I was a child. I would no longer give up on things just because they were difficult for me- I would push until I got as far as I could. In many ways I've fulfilled that goal. A kid who was so modest and embarrassed about his body in high school that he never changed in front of the other kids can now go into a gym locker room and calmly put on his shorts in front of better-built, better-looking men. I can (and do) workout regularly (okay, semi-regularly) and I don't worry whether I'm lifting as much weight as the guy next to me or whether my treadmill is turned up as high as the anorexic blond girl's is. I'm still not good at it, and no matter how many people tell me that eventually I'll "love it," I've never loved it in my life and I doubt I ever will. But I do it anyway.

I've worked hard on other areas of my life, too. There was once a time when I would see someone I was attracted to for friendship or romance and, scared of rejection, just accept that nothing could ever happen. Anyone who knows me nowadays would never accuse me of being shy or scared- that took work. That took working on my personality and forcing myself to socialize, rather than blithely accepting that I'd "never fit in."

I've much to be proud of, and that's why I keep coming back to the question: when you're an adult and you try something new, is it more mature to press on no matter how bad you are at it and how crappy you feel afterwards? Or is it more mature to recognize your limitations and give up before you make a bad situation worse? I want sticktoitiveness. I want to fight. And yet, the five foot walk from my bed to my desk to write this was so excruciating that I feel I must have been doing something differently than the others did. I clearly need more strength and flexibility in my legs, if I'm ever going to become accomplished at this pilates stuff. So, do I keep going to classes, slowing them down while the instructor sits on my legs, or do I choose, instead, to try an exercise that comes easier to me? The "comes easy" thing scares me- I want to be a better adult than I was a child. But when is it more adult and rational to take the easier way out?

I've decided, for now, to split the difference. I know now where the most problematic areas of my very problematic body are, and they are surprisingly not the ones I thought they'd be. I'm going back into the gym, working on the stretches my orthopedist gave me and that I long ago grew bored of. I'm making sure I wear my orthotics all the time, even though it means swapping them in and out of various pairs of shoes. I'm going to make my legs and abs strong. And I'm going to go back to pilates class. Just not next week. But I will. I promise. And if you're reading this, you have, unbeknownst to you when you started reading this, entered into a contract. Every time I see you, or at any interval of your choosing, you are to ask me- "Have you gone back to the class yet?" Shame me into it. Because I promise you, I will be a better adult than I was a child.

© 2007, Christopher Stansfield, with the exception of elements owned by Blogger. Entries are licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License, and therefore may be freely copied and distributed as long as they are attributed to Christopher Stansfield and not textually altered in any way, shape, or form. To view a copy of this Creative Commons license, please click here. To learn more about Creative Commons licensing in general, or to find out how to become a Creative Commons licensor, please click here.